I Changed My Mind

Just a quick note.  I'm not doing it.  I'm not taking the Virginia Bar Exam tomorrow.  I made the decision about two weeks ago.  I am never walking through those doors - the Norfolk Marriott in February or the Roanoke Convention Center in July - again.  Unless.  Unless I change my mind someday.  Unless I can walk in confident that I have the information to actually pass the test.
I'm not actually certain I'm capable of storing up the information potentially required to pass that test.  Having failed three times I'm not comfortable attempting the test without the ability to produce a short outline of all 26 subjects.
The bottom line is I just don't want to.  And two weeks ago I didn't feel ready and didn't feel I could get ready.  So I explained to PC.  And he didn't explode.  He wasn't furious.  I suppose he was disappointed but he didn't say so.  So I stopped studying.  I put the books aside.  The relief was tremendous.
Today, the day before the test, I'm feeling some noticeable anxiety.  If I made the wrong decision its too late this time.  But not really.  I know I was correct in my assessment that I wasn't going to be ready this time.  So we'll see if I decide to attempt a "next time."  If I make the decision I think I need a solid six month lead time.  And a solid commitment to find three to five hours a day to stuff those 26 subjects into my brain for the full six months.  And to figure out how to hold those things in my aging brain.  And then properly discuss them on command.
In the meantime, I'm second guessing myself a little bit today.  But I won't be trying to "guess" any correct answers tomorrow.  The relief is tremendous.