What if ....

I have been thinking a lot lately about people I couldn't live without. Its not a long list. It was prompted by a few conversations I've had lately with my friend A. A's husband is one of the Navy divers who recovered the bodies of the people who died in the Minneapolis bridge collapse. We grieved and agonized over the woman who was five months pregnant and had her two year old in the car with her. All gone. But what we thought would have been worse is if the mother had somehow fought her way out but had to leave her baby behind. We also can't imagine the life of a two year old who is left without her mother. The father of that little family probably doesn't agree with us. There was also a mother who died with her 20 year old son who had Down syndrome. Apparently they were never apart. Again, how could one have managed without the other. And yet, she had two daughters who almost certainly wouldn't agree with us.

When I hear of the death of a child I think "I could never get out of bed again". Yet I know that people do... If you have other kids you must. But if something happened to the Pumpkin I don't think I would even want to get out of bed ever again. I don't know if I could do it to be strong for my big sons who don't need me for much anymore. PC would expect me to but he is so strong, so stoic, that I don't think he could even relate to what it would feel like to be me.

I am many things more than the Pumpkin's mother but, right now, there is nothing as important, nothing as all encompassing as that role. PC and the Pumpkin are going away for the weekend to PC's brother's house. An easy three hour drive. I was supposed to go but I've missed some work this week due to a back injury (and yes, it is quite possible, that the medication I'm taking has accellerated this morbid train of thought). And so, until they get back next Sunday, I will periodically test the hypothetical devastation that would follow IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED. Its how my mind works. I have to think up all the awful permutations of a situation and run all the way through them in my mind.

The truth is almost certainly: They'll be fine; PC will discover that traveling alone with the Pumpkin is not quite as easy or as difficult as he anticipated; I'll get caught up on a lot of my work; I may get to put in some time in my sewing room; I'll try to have a couple of chats with T about his current plan to not enroll in college this fall; I'll miss them in a background sort of way because I'll be very busy; I'll be so glad when they're back to monopolize every second of my time.